Never Is A Promise

I'm seriously hating life right now. My skin is too tight. Of course, it's my own fault for eating. What the hell is wrong with me? I just want things to go back to how they were. Coffee and celery and insomnia. Why did I have to get sick? WELL it doesn't matter now because I'm going back to that starting tomorrow no matter how I feel. Nothing is worse than feeling fat. Not even sleep deprivation and certainly not starvation. Come winter, I better be skinny. I want to be that girl piled in sweatshirts in the theater reading over a monologue, or practicing Beethoven in the concert hall, or conferring with my incredibly gorgeous English teacher. I HAVE to be that girl. I've been writing a few brief disturbing stories about the kind of girl I will be. I have made all the preparations. Now it's time to suck it up and actually follow through.
I think that's my biggest issue. I always expect it to be as easy as when I was modelling. Of COURSE it was easy then. I was tiny. I was beautiful. I was a goddamn model. It was my job to be skinny. But now...
Now I'm just pathetic.
That's about to change.
I'm making a vow. Right now. That I will be at my first goal weight by New Years Eve.
No options. No failure. I swear on my goddamn life.

And it breaks my heart...

I was doing so well!
And then today I fucked up. I ate WAY too much. Probably like 1000 calories for the day. Yesterday I felt fat and I ate around 300. So you can imagine how I feel now. The bloating is the worst. I look at least 5lbs heavier than I actually am (which scares me). I feel so uncomfortable.
Starting another fast tomorrow. My last one went well. I've just not been eating, unless I screw up, which hasn't been much lately.
No food. Work out every day.
The only thing is I'm sick. So I don't know how much working out I'll manage, but I'll survive.

Halloween is coming up! Must be skinny!

Sinner

For someone so supposedly intelligent, I do a lot of really stupid things. I think I actually set myself up for failure in some strange act of rebellion to disprove the theories that I have all this untapped potential. Wouldn't I just be happy to do well? Or maybe smoking weed every day and getting drunk and school is a better option. Seems like I've made my choice.
Today I got the munchies TERRIBLY so I fucked up my plan. I did really well yesterday though. And in general this past week, I guess. I'm starting a fast tomorrow. I have to write EVERY DAY. I'm hoping it will keep me motivated, as well as a lot of other sights. I think I'm probably going to stay home tomorrow to work out and write and whatnot. I just need a free day to cleanse my system. I can't imagine going to school feeling like this. I feel disgusting. And so obviously fat.
And picture day is on Friday!!! Fucking pictures!!! They make you sit in the most unflattering position and tell you to tilt your head WAY too much. I need to lose 5lbs by then. I'm doing it.
No options.
Just a lot of ways to self destruct.

Told You I'll Be Here Forever...

I'm starting to feel like I know a bit about consistency. I've been eating around 250-350 calories a day for about 2 weeks now. Some days are better than others. However, I am having a hard time with rules. Sometimes I just can't remember them all. But I'll study and stick to them.

I'm pretty close to giving in today due to a bit of a hangover. But I know as soon as I do I'll feel so guilty and regret it. But I really want ramen. Too bad. I want skinny more.

My ex-pseudo-boyfriend/first love and I spoke for the first time in months yesterday. I saw him when I was on my break and he just came up to me and hugged me, probably because I refused to talk to him. He apologized and he just looked so sad and obviously I still care about him, it just hurt like hell to be so weak and let him in again. But the good thing is, in my drunken wisdom, I called him after I had a few and just told him everything that I always wished I could. Now everything is out in the open. I told him things I've never told ANYONE (except my best friend but she's very involved in the whole sitch). It feels much better to have a clean slate and not hold on to resentment and old shit that I should have said to him a year ago.

I felt like he died, and now he's back and he seems to be back to the guy I fell in love with. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Not that I really have a choice. I don't seem to have any control over my life anymore.

Except for one thing.

I Want To Feel My Bones...

I'm finally getting onto the right path. I found all my old ana journals and weight records and goals and have updated all my books and blogs and accounts and I'm ready to take it all the way. I know what to do, and now I just need to develop a strict system that I won't diverge from. The rules are starting to form on their own. Like Marya Hornbacher said, they are a corset which will tighten until you cannot breathe and even then they do not stop.
I want it.
I've worked myself into mania and neurosis before (and it suits me) so I can do it again. Starting NOW.
Coffee, starving, schedules, websites, work, school, practices, writing, cleaning, organizing, working out.
I can do it all.
I MUST do it all.

I Shouldn't Be Asking Myself Why

So much has changed because, once again, I got too busy to write in this blog. Busy covering up my entire life. My truth has been so lost in lies. I don't care anyway, though. He left me. Well, I left him but emotionally he was gone. So we're over. I can't believe it because this was my nightmare. I never wanted us to be apart and especially not to break up. I see now that it's better this way. However awful it may feel, I'm a little more sane without him around. The love has all gone.
I was doing really well, fasting etc. The past few days have been semi-disastrous though because I felt serious pressure to lose weight before school and cracked under the weight of it all. lol the weight. nice. But now my self loathing is back to an all-time high and I'm really no interested in eating anything. Maybe the occasional rice cake. I feel like I should just stay away from food altogether. My body can't be trusted. Nor can I, until I'm skinny.
The clothes I ordered will come soon, I have to look amazing. My best friend and I are moving up socially this year and I can't go ruining an opportunity like this just because I'm a lazy slob. I need to get my act together. I mean, I haven't gained weight but I can't seem to see the 20lbs I've lost either.
I need to lose more. I need to be less.

Just a Little Bit

Today went well; better than I expected, actually.  My Mom picked me up from our house at around 11pm and until then I managed not to eat.  When we got to my stepdad’s house we only sat for a few minutes before getting to work on the yard.  I ended up climbing trees to prune most of the afternoon.  At one point I had to sit down for minute because I was getting really dizzy.  I can’t believe it, but my Mom actually told me to eat something or I would pass out.  I thought she was on my side!  So we finished up, and went into the kitchen.  Wayne (stepdad) offered me a muffin and so my Mom rooted around to find the package from the mix and it said it was 140 calories so I was like alright I can do that for a bran muffin.  But the he’s like UMM no I made them twice that size.  My Mom shot daggers at him.  She was like, don’t tell her that or she won’t eat it, looks at me, and I had already pushed the thing a good foot away from me.  She sighed and I picked 1/4 of it off and nibbled at it, forcing my Mom to eat the rest of it while Wayne lectured me about eating 2000 calories a day.  When my Mom added anything in or nodded I glared at her and actually got really defensive.  She doesn’t eat, either.  So what the fuck is she piping up about?  Like I’m going to listen anyway.  So I figured it out and the 1/4 that I ate was 50 calories.  That was at 3:30PM.  So then I went on the computer for a while, and read, and then around 6PM the lasagna my Mom stuck in the oven was finished cooking.  I looked it up (it was bought) and it had 310 calories per 1 cup!!! Ewww!!!  My Mom and I argued quietly about it in the kitchen so Wayne couldn’t hear from the living room where he was eating.  I’m not sure why, but she got sort of angry and demanded that I eat the lasagna.  So she dropped some on a plate and I just stood there, staring at it.  Do you think that’s a cup, I asked.  She said she doubted it.  She said it had to be less.  I said that I either had to have 1/2 a cup or a cup but either way I had to know how much it was.  She said it didn’t have that many calories in it.  UMM I just looked it up ACTUALLY.  So what?  So you have 300 calories she says, like she would fucking know how much is enough calories.  That is WAY too much.  So she measured it and it was just half a cup and I spread it around my plate and took my sweet time eating it so I finished at the same time they did.  I also gulped down 3 glasses of diet coke in that time.  So, needless to say, I was VERY full.  So, yeah.  That was my day.  Not bad.

SS♥TT

Mia

In The Sunshine Smoking Cigarettes to Pass The Time

So, I totally forgot that I made this blog until I was editing my facebook page tonight and realized I had this set as my website. Oops. Sorry all. A few things have changed since I last posted.

I've been fasting most of the week and it has now become very normal to me. I'm just not hungry. However, I was force-fed today which was a bit traumatic. Also, that happened while I was visiting my grandma who lives in an assisted living home. It's like a fucking hospital. I hate it. I actually had to eat the food there and I was VERY tempted to throw it up and, because she has a hearing aid that she never has turned up enough, I doubt she would have heard. But I didn't. Instead I just pushed my food around and refused dessert no matter how much she prodded and questioned my motives. So I ended up eating 1 cup of mashed potatoe and 1/2 cup steamed veggies (nice portions dumb ass why can't they just serve salad???) which adds up to about 260 calories. More than I've eaten in the past 3 days, but not fatal. What was regretable, was the dinner I was force-fed by my sister (all in the same day?really?two people?) which was a meatless spinach lasagna. I have no clue how much was in it. So, when I got home I ate a protein bar and drank a bunch of water and threw up. It was great. It didn't feel much like the bulimia I'm used to, though. It was just like, this is my circumstance and I'm doing the best I can. It wasn't completely unpleasant.

Tomorrow I'm starting my fasting again with my new friend :) I love the support.
SSTT
Mia

I Loved You First, I Have To Go

Giving up bulimia is turning out to be more difficult than I predicted. I guess after 7 years, it's more than a habit. It's an addiction. I've been eating about 400-700 calories lately (eww) plus working out a ton (as usual). Today I had a huge purging episode, though. My mom came home late and made herself dinner and I couldn't help myself. It felt like the end of the world. Luckily tomorrow's rehearsal was cancelled so I'll have plenty of time to workout and make a new plan. I'm thinking of doing Ana BootCamp. One of my friends did it last year and she liked it. She said it was really easy. I'm nervous about altering the amount of calories but it's a system that I'll just have to trust. Either way, it's better than this constant purging. On a more positive note, I've been working on my latest novel every night. Considering it's mainly about eating disorders it isn't hard to understand why the sudden increase in inspiration. I'm going through a prominent transition period right now and I'm hoping that I can come out the other side rid of bulimia, at least for now. It's just not working for me at this point.
SSTT

Tell Me What I'll Never Be, Make Me Feel Broken

I've set some very specific goals for myself. By September I should be at my ultimate goal weight. I thought that was a very reasonable amount of time. I have quite a bit of weight to lose but it doesn't take long at all. I need to get my shit together and step back from Bulimia. I want to know what it's like to have everything I've ever wanted. I need to cross that border into Anorexia. I've tiptoed in and out of the habits now and then, but I need to commit to it. I'm so ready.

These Bandages Are Anonymity

Yesterday was a nightmare. My total calories for the day ended up at 1000. That's fucking disgusting. It's because I binged of course, and couldn't purge because I was babysitting at my sister's house. Pathetic. I'm so incredibly disappointed with myself right now I'm very tempted to instate punishment. It's not worth the attention, though. All too often I'm only wearing a sports bra and sweats, which is usually when I'm caught. It's not that my mom cares, she doesn't, but my sister really does. Last time she interfered I gained weight and starting being 'nice' to myself. That was a misstep. This time I'm being much more careful. Since throwing up is all she asks me about, all I have to do is refrain from binging so I don't have to purge, and then I can starve in peace. My mom will be so proud when I lose the weight. She's skinny, of course. I'm sure she has some eating issues of her own but then again that could just be transferrance.

Today I've been better. I'm at 500 calories but I'm not eating anymore. I don't usually eat past 3pm. I also just finished my first workout, which was helpful to burn off the energy I had from the new pills by brother got me. My mom wouldn't buy them, because they're somewhat illegal, but she said it was alright if he bought them for me. They're feel fantastic and they work. The pills are helping me ease myself back into fasting. I miss the time when I used to go for weeks at a time without eating and not notice until it was too late and I was scared to eat. Boost isn't that bad if it's the only thing you're forced to consume. Getting a job will help the process as well. This summer, when I was working way too much, I lost a ton of weight without really trying. At least I'm feeling very inspired to do whatever it takes.
WWMKD? starbucks, boho chic, sunglasses... fuck food.
SSTT

I'm Just A Little Bit Caught In The Middle

My appointment at the clinic wasn't nearly as terrible as I expected. The appointments to come will, of course, be a nightmare as I am expected to make progress. The things I do for anorexia. I'm so sick of bulimia by now that I'm actually going to 'get help' so I can start starving without suspicious. This seems low, yes. However it's much too easy to pass up. How brave they will think me for not purging, for not bingeing either. It will seem as though I'm getting better and all the while my mysterious weight loss will seem to them a pleasant side effect of recovery. It's evil and self-serving but very convenient. Other than that bit of news, all I really have to offer is that I have a splitting headache from not eating all day while running around on very little water. I'm thinking about upping my diet-pill-intake to 2-a-day. You must understand that these are very expensive, somewhat illegal pills, that work well so 2 is a lot. I'll have to be careful not to run out before I get another job, though. God I need the money. I should go apply online at some places. SSTT

Stand In The Rain... Stand Your Ground

I have an appointment tomorrow at the Eating Disorder Clinic and I've haven't felt so much dread since my last meal. Possibly since I realized I can't work out today since I'm faking sick. Honestly, I was hoping to cancel the appointment but it doesn't seem like Sherry is going for it. Sherry is my mom, btw. She hardly counts, though. It'll be all to clear why in the future, as I write more. I feel disgustingly fat. I bet when I walk into the clinic all they will do is laugh. It's pathetic. Once again my sister has ruined what little progress I was making. SHE ALWAYS DOES THIS!!! She's probably jealous. I can't think right now. I have to at least TRY to work out. Maybe if I'm really quiet Sherry won't think to check on me.
SSTT