Told You I'll Be Here Forever...

I'm starting to feel like I know a bit about consistency. I've been eating around 250-350 calories a day for about 2 weeks now. Some days are better than others. However, I am having a hard time with rules. Sometimes I just can't remember them all. But I'll study and stick to them.

I'm pretty close to giving in today due to a bit of a hangover. But I know as soon as I do I'll feel so guilty and regret it. But I really want ramen. Too bad. I want skinny more.

My ex-pseudo-boyfriend/first love and I spoke for the first time in months yesterday. I saw him when I was on my break and he just came up to me and hugged me, probably because I refused to talk to him. He apologized and he just looked so sad and obviously I still care about him, it just hurt like hell to be so weak and let him in again. But the good thing is, in my drunken wisdom, I called him after I had a few and just told him everything that I always wished I could. Now everything is out in the open. I told him things I've never told ANYONE (except my best friend but she's very involved in the whole sitch). It feels much better to have a clean slate and not hold on to resentment and old shit that I should have said to him a year ago.

I felt like he died, and now he's back and he seems to be back to the guy I fell in love with. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Not that I really have a choice. I don't seem to have any control over my life anymore.

Except for one thing.

I Want To Feel My Bones...

I'm finally getting onto the right path. I found all my old ana journals and weight records and goals and have updated all my books and blogs and accounts and I'm ready to take it all the way. I know what to do, and now I just need to develop a strict system that I won't diverge from. The rules are starting to form on their own. Like Marya Hornbacher said, they are a corset which will tighten until you cannot breathe and even then they do not stop.
I want it.
I've worked myself into mania and neurosis before (and it suits me) so I can do it again. Starting NOW.
Coffee, starving, schedules, websites, work, school, practices, writing, cleaning, organizing, working out.
I can do it all.
I MUST do it all.

I Shouldn't Be Asking Myself Why

So much has changed because, once again, I got too busy to write in this blog. Busy covering up my entire life. My truth has been so lost in lies. I don't care anyway, though. He left me. Well, I left him but emotionally he was gone. So we're over. I can't believe it because this was my nightmare. I never wanted us to be apart and especially not to break up. I see now that it's better this way. However awful it may feel, I'm a little more sane without him around. The love has all gone.
I was doing really well, fasting etc. The past few days have been semi-disastrous though because I felt serious pressure to lose weight before school and cracked under the weight of it all. lol the weight. nice. But now my self loathing is back to an all-time high and I'm really no interested in eating anything. Maybe the occasional rice cake. I feel like I should just stay away from food altogether. My body can't be trusted. Nor can I, until I'm skinny.
The clothes I ordered will come soon, I have to look amazing. My best friend and I are moving up socially this year and I can't go ruining an opportunity like this just because I'm a lazy slob. I need to get my act together. I mean, I haven't gained weight but I can't seem to see the 20lbs I've lost either.
I need to lose more. I need to be less.

Just a Little Bit

Today went well; better than I expected, actually.  My Mom picked me up from our house at around 11pm and until then I managed not to eat.  When we got to my stepdad’s house we only sat for a few minutes before getting to work on the yard.  I ended up climbing trees to prune most of the afternoon.  At one point I had to sit down for minute because I was getting really dizzy.  I can’t believe it, but my Mom actually told me to eat something or I would pass out.  I thought she was on my side!  So we finished up, and went into the kitchen.  Wayne (stepdad) offered me a muffin and so my Mom rooted around to find the package from the mix and it said it was 140 calories so I was like alright I can do that for a bran muffin.  But the he’s like UMM no I made them twice that size.  My Mom shot daggers at him.  She was like, don’t tell her that or she won’t eat it, looks at me, and I had already pushed the thing a good foot away from me.  She sighed and I picked 1/4 of it off and nibbled at it, forcing my Mom to eat the rest of it while Wayne lectured me about eating 2000 calories a day.  When my Mom added anything in or nodded I glared at her and actually got really defensive.  She doesn’t eat, either.  So what the fuck is she piping up about?  Like I’m going to listen anyway.  So I figured it out and the 1/4 that I ate was 50 calories.  That was at 3:30PM.  So then I went on the computer for a while, and read, and then around 6PM the lasagna my Mom stuck in the oven was finished cooking.  I looked it up (it was bought) and it had 310 calories per 1 cup!!! Ewww!!!  My Mom and I argued quietly about it in the kitchen so Wayne couldn’t hear from the living room where he was eating.  I’m not sure why, but she got sort of angry and demanded that I eat the lasagna.  So she dropped some on a plate and I just stood there, staring at it.  Do you think that’s a cup, I asked.  She said she doubted it.  She said it had to be less.  I said that I either had to have 1/2 a cup or a cup but either way I had to know how much it was.  She said it didn’t have that many calories in it.  UMM I just looked it up ACTUALLY.  So what?  So you have 300 calories she says, like she would fucking know how much is enough calories.  That is WAY too much.  So she measured it and it was just half a cup and I spread it around my plate and took my sweet time eating it so I finished at the same time they did.  I also gulped down 3 glasses of diet coke in that time.  So, needless to say, I was VERY full.  So, yeah.  That was my day.  Not bad.

SS♥TT

Mia

In The Sunshine Smoking Cigarettes to Pass The Time

So, I totally forgot that I made this blog until I was editing my facebook page tonight and realized I had this set as my website. Oops. Sorry all. A few things have changed since I last posted.

I've been fasting most of the week and it has now become very normal to me. I'm just not hungry. However, I was force-fed today which was a bit traumatic. Also, that happened while I was visiting my grandma who lives in an assisted living home. It's like a fucking hospital. I hate it. I actually had to eat the food there and I was VERY tempted to throw it up and, because she has a hearing aid that she never has turned up enough, I doubt she would have heard. But I didn't. Instead I just pushed my food around and refused dessert no matter how much she prodded and questioned my motives. So I ended up eating 1 cup of mashed potatoe and 1/2 cup steamed veggies (nice portions dumb ass why can't they just serve salad???) which adds up to about 260 calories. More than I've eaten in the past 3 days, but not fatal. What was regretable, was the dinner I was force-fed by my sister (all in the same day?really?two people?) which was a meatless spinach lasagna. I have no clue how much was in it. So, when I got home I ate a protein bar and drank a bunch of water and threw up. It was great. It didn't feel much like the bulimia I'm used to, though. It was just like, this is my circumstance and I'm doing the best I can. It wasn't completely unpleasant.

Tomorrow I'm starting my fasting again with my new friend :) I love the support.
SSTT
Mia

I Loved You First, I Have To Go

Giving up bulimia is turning out to be more difficult than I predicted. I guess after 7 years, it's more than a habit. It's an addiction. I've been eating about 400-700 calories lately (eww) plus working out a ton (as usual). Today I had a huge purging episode, though. My mom came home late and made herself dinner and I couldn't help myself. It felt like the end of the world. Luckily tomorrow's rehearsal was cancelled so I'll have plenty of time to workout and make a new plan. I'm thinking of doing Ana BootCamp. One of my friends did it last year and she liked it. She said it was really easy. I'm nervous about altering the amount of calories but it's a system that I'll just have to trust. Either way, it's better than this constant purging. On a more positive note, I've been working on my latest novel every night. Considering it's mainly about eating disorders it isn't hard to understand why the sudden increase in inspiration. I'm going through a prominent transition period right now and I'm hoping that I can come out the other side rid of bulimia, at least for now. It's just not working for me at this point.
SSTT

Tell Me What I'll Never Be, Make Me Feel Broken

I've set some very specific goals for myself. By September I should be at my ultimate goal weight. I thought that was a very reasonable amount of time. I have quite a bit of weight to lose but it doesn't take long at all. I need to get my shit together and step back from Bulimia. I want to know what it's like to have everything I've ever wanted. I need to cross that border into Anorexia. I've tiptoed in and out of the habits now and then, but I need to commit to it. I'm so ready.