These Bandages Are Anonymity

Yesterday was a nightmare. My total calories for the day ended up at 1000. That's fucking disgusting. It's because I binged of course, and couldn't purge because I was babysitting at my sister's house. Pathetic. I'm so incredibly disappointed with myself right now I'm very tempted to instate punishment. It's not worth the attention, though. All too often I'm only wearing a sports bra and sweats, which is usually when I'm caught. It's not that my mom cares, she doesn't, but my sister really does. Last time she interfered I gained weight and starting being 'nice' to myself. That was a misstep. This time I'm being much more careful. Since throwing up is all she asks me about, all I have to do is refrain from binging so I don't have to purge, and then I can starve in peace. My mom will be so proud when I lose the weight. She's skinny, of course. I'm sure she has some eating issues of her own but then again that could just be transferrance.

Today I've been better. I'm at 500 calories but I'm not eating anymore. I don't usually eat past 3pm. I also just finished my first workout, which was helpful to burn off the energy I had from the new pills by brother got me. My mom wouldn't buy them, because they're somewhat illegal, but she said it was alright if he bought them for me. They're feel fantastic and they work. The pills are helping me ease myself back into fasting. I miss the time when I used to go for weeks at a time without eating and not notice until it was too late and I was scared to eat. Boost isn't that bad if it's the only thing you're forced to consume. Getting a job will help the process as well. This summer, when I was working way too much, I lost a ton of weight without really trying. At least I'm feeling very inspired to do whatever it takes.
WWMKD? starbucks, boho chic, sunglasses... fuck food.
SSTT

I'm Just A Little Bit Caught In The Middle

My appointment at the clinic wasn't nearly as terrible as I expected. The appointments to come will, of course, be a nightmare as I am expected to make progress. The things I do for anorexia. I'm so sick of bulimia by now that I'm actually going to 'get help' so I can start starving without suspicious. This seems low, yes. However it's much too easy to pass up. How brave they will think me for not purging, for not bingeing either. It will seem as though I'm getting better and all the while my mysterious weight loss will seem to them a pleasant side effect of recovery. It's evil and self-serving but very convenient. Other than that bit of news, all I really have to offer is that I have a splitting headache from not eating all day while running around on very little water. I'm thinking about upping my diet-pill-intake to 2-a-day. You must understand that these are very expensive, somewhat illegal pills, that work well so 2 is a lot. I'll have to be careful not to run out before I get another job, though. God I need the money. I should go apply online at some places. SSTT

Stand In The Rain... Stand Your Ground

I have an appointment tomorrow at the Eating Disorder Clinic and I've haven't felt so much dread since my last meal. Possibly since I realized I can't work out today since I'm faking sick. Honestly, I was hoping to cancel the appointment but it doesn't seem like Sherry is going for it. Sherry is my mom, btw. She hardly counts, though. It'll be all to clear why in the future, as I write more. I feel disgustingly fat. I bet when I walk into the clinic all they will do is laugh. It's pathetic. Once again my sister has ruined what little progress I was making. SHE ALWAYS DOES THIS!!! She's probably jealous. I can't think right now. I have to at least TRY to work out. Maybe if I'm really quiet Sherry won't think to check on me.
SSTT