Sinner

For someone so supposedly intelligent, I do a lot of really stupid things. I think I actually set myself up for failure in some strange act of rebellion to disprove the theories that I have all this untapped potential. Wouldn't I just be happy to do well? Or maybe smoking weed every day and getting drunk and school is a better option. Seems like I've made my choice.
Today I got the munchies TERRIBLY so I fucked up my plan. I did really well yesterday though. And in general this past week, I guess. I'm starting a fast tomorrow. I have to write EVERY DAY. I'm hoping it will keep me motivated, as well as a lot of other sights. I think I'm probably going to stay home tomorrow to work out and write and whatnot. I just need a free day to cleanse my system. I can't imagine going to school feeling like this. I feel disgusting. And so obviously fat.
And picture day is on Friday!!! Fucking pictures!!! They make you sit in the most unflattering position and tell you to tilt your head WAY too much. I need to lose 5lbs by then. I'm doing it.
No options.
Just a lot of ways to self destruct.

Told You I'll Be Here Forever...

I'm starting to feel like I know a bit about consistency. I've been eating around 250-350 calories a day for about 2 weeks now. Some days are better than others. However, I am having a hard time with rules. Sometimes I just can't remember them all. But I'll study and stick to them.

I'm pretty close to giving in today due to a bit of a hangover. But I know as soon as I do I'll feel so guilty and regret it. But I really want ramen. Too bad. I want skinny more.

My ex-pseudo-boyfriend/first love and I spoke for the first time in months yesterday. I saw him when I was on my break and he just came up to me and hugged me, probably because I refused to talk to him. He apologized and he just looked so sad and obviously I still care about him, it just hurt like hell to be so weak and let him in again. But the good thing is, in my drunken wisdom, I called him after I had a few and just told him everything that I always wished I could. Now everything is out in the open. I told him things I've never told ANYONE (except my best friend but she's very involved in the whole sitch). It feels much better to have a clean slate and not hold on to resentment and old shit that I should have said to him a year ago.

I felt like he died, and now he's back and he seems to be back to the guy I fell in love with. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Not that I really have a choice. I don't seem to have any control over my life anymore.

Except for one thing.