Sunday, April 12, 2009

Just a Little Bit

Today went well; better than I expected, actually.  My Mom picked me up from our house at around 11pm and until then I managed not to eat.  When we got to my stepdad’s house we only sat for a few minutes before getting to work on the yard.  I ended up climbing trees to prune most of the afternoon.  At one point I had to sit down for minute because I was getting really dizzy.  I can’t believe it, but my Mom actually told me to eat something or I would pass out.  I thought she was on my side!  So we finished up, and went into the kitchen.  Wayne (stepdad) offered me a muffin and so my Mom rooted around to find the package from the mix and it said it was 140 calories so I was like alright I can do that for a bran muffin.  But the he’s like UMM no I made them twice that size.  My Mom shot daggers at him.  She was like, don’t tell her that or she won’t eat it, looks at me, and I had already pushed the thing a good foot away from me.  She sighed and I picked 1/4 of it off and nibbled at it, forcing my Mom to eat the rest of it while Wayne lectured me about eating 2000 calories a day.  When my Mom added anything in or nodded I glared at her and actually got really defensive.  She doesn’t eat, either.  So what the fuck is she piping up about?  Like I’m going to listen anyway.  So I figured it out and the 1/4 that I ate was 50 calories.  That was at 3:30PM.  So then I went on the computer for a while, and read, and then around 6PM the lasagna my Mom stuck in the oven was finished cooking.  I looked it up (it was bought) and it had 310 calories per 1 cup!!! Ewww!!!  My Mom and I argued quietly about it in the kitchen so Wayne couldn’t hear from the living room where he was eating.  I’m not sure why, but she got sort of angry and demanded that I eat the lasagna.  So she dropped some on a plate and I just stood there, staring at it.  Do you think that’s a cup, I asked.  She said she doubted it.  She said it had to be less.  I said that I either had to have 1/2 a cup or a cup but either way I had to know how much it was.  She said it didn’t have that many calories in it.  UMM I just looked it up ACTUALLY.  So what?  So you have 300 calories she says, like she would fucking know how much is enough calories.  That is WAY too much.  So she measured it and it was just half a cup and I spread it around my plate and took my sweet time eating it so I finished at the same time they did.  I also gulped down 3 glasses of diet coke in that time.  So, needless to say, I was VERY full.  So, yeah.  That was my day.  Not bad.

SS♥TT

Mia

Friday, April 10, 2009

In The Sunshine Smoking Cigarettes to Pass The Time

So, I totally forgot that I made this blog until I was editing my facebook page tonight and realized I had this set as my website. Oops. Sorry all. A few things have changed since I last posted.

I've been fasting most of the week and it has now become very normal to me. I'm just not hungry. However, I was force-fed today which was a bit traumatic. Also, that happened while I was visiting my grandma who lives in an assisted living home. It's like a fucking hospital. I hate it. I actually had to eat the food there and I was VERY tempted to throw it up and, because she has a hearing aid that she never has turned up enough, I doubt she would have heard. But I didn't. Instead I just pushed my food around and refused dessert no matter how much she prodded and questioned my motives. So I ended up eating 1 cup of mashed potatoe and 1/2 cup steamed veggies (nice portions dumb ass why can't they just serve salad???) which adds up to about 260 calories. More than I've eaten in the past 3 days, but not fatal. What was regretable, was the dinner I was force-fed by my sister (all in the same day?really?two people?) which was a meatless spinach lasagna. I have no clue how much was in it. So, when I got home I ate a protein bar and drank a bunch of water and threw up. It was great. It didn't feel much like the bulimia I'm used to, though. It was just like, this is my circumstance and I'm doing the best I can. It wasn't completely unpleasant.

Tomorrow I'm starting my fasting again with my new friend :) I love the support.
SSTT
Mia