Never Is A Promise

I'm seriously hating life right now. My skin is too tight. Of course, it's my own fault for eating. What the hell is wrong with me? I just want things to go back to how they were. Coffee and celery and insomnia. Why did I have to get sick? WELL it doesn't matter now because I'm going back to that starting tomorrow no matter how I feel. Nothing is worse than feeling fat. Not even sleep deprivation and certainly not starvation. Come winter, I better be skinny. I want to be that girl piled in sweatshirts in the theater reading over a monologue, or practicing Beethoven in the concert hall, or conferring with my incredibly gorgeous English teacher. I HAVE to be that girl. I've been writing a few brief disturbing stories about the kind of girl I will be. I have made all the preparations. Now it's time to suck it up and actually follow through.
I think that's my biggest issue. I always expect it to be as easy as when I was modelling. Of COURSE it was easy then. I was tiny. I was beautiful. I was a goddamn model. It was my job to be skinny. But now...
Now I'm just pathetic.
That's about to change.
I'm making a vow. Right now. That I will be at my first goal weight by New Years Eve.
No options. No failure. I swear on my goddamn life.

And it breaks my heart...

I was doing so well!
And then today I fucked up. I ate WAY too much. Probably like 1000 calories for the day. Yesterday I felt fat and I ate around 300. So you can imagine how I feel now. The bloating is the worst. I look at least 5lbs heavier than I actually am (which scares me). I feel so uncomfortable.
Starting another fast tomorrow. My last one went well. I've just not been eating, unless I screw up, which hasn't been much lately.
No food. Work out every day.
The only thing is I'm sick. So I don't know how much working out I'll manage, but I'll survive.

Halloween is coming up! Must be skinny!

Sinner

For someone so supposedly intelligent, I do a lot of really stupid things. I think I actually set myself up for failure in some strange act of rebellion to disprove the theories that I have all this untapped potential. Wouldn't I just be happy to do well? Or maybe smoking weed every day and getting drunk and school is a better option. Seems like I've made my choice.
Today I got the munchies TERRIBLY so I fucked up my plan. I did really well yesterday though. And in general this past week, I guess. I'm starting a fast tomorrow. I have to write EVERY DAY. I'm hoping it will keep me motivated, as well as a lot of other sights. I think I'm probably going to stay home tomorrow to work out and write and whatnot. I just need a free day to cleanse my system. I can't imagine going to school feeling like this. I feel disgusting. And so obviously fat.
And picture day is on Friday!!! Fucking pictures!!! They make you sit in the most unflattering position and tell you to tilt your head WAY too much. I need to lose 5lbs by then. I'm doing it.
No options.
Just a lot of ways to self destruct.

Told You I'll Be Here Forever...

I'm starting to feel like I know a bit about consistency. I've been eating around 250-350 calories a day for about 2 weeks now. Some days are better than others. However, I am having a hard time with rules. Sometimes I just can't remember them all. But I'll study and stick to them.

I'm pretty close to giving in today due to a bit of a hangover. But I know as soon as I do I'll feel so guilty and regret it. But I really want ramen. Too bad. I want skinny more.

My ex-pseudo-boyfriend/first love and I spoke for the first time in months yesterday. I saw him when I was on my break and he just came up to me and hugged me, probably because I refused to talk to him. He apologized and he just looked so sad and obviously I still care about him, it just hurt like hell to be so weak and let him in again. But the good thing is, in my drunken wisdom, I called him after I had a few and just told him everything that I always wished I could. Now everything is out in the open. I told him things I've never told ANYONE (except my best friend but she's very involved in the whole sitch). It feels much better to have a clean slate and not hold on to resentment and old shit that I should have said to him a year ago.

I felt like he died, and now he's back and he seems to be back to the guy I fell in love with. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Not that I really have a choice. I don't seem to have any control over my life anymore.

Except for one thing.

I Want To Feel My Bones...

I'm finally getting onto the right path. I found all my old ana journals and weight records and goals and have updated all my books and blogs and accounts and I'm ready to take it all the way. I know what to do, and now I just need to develop a strict system that I won't diverge from. The rules are starting to form on their own. Like Marya Hornbacher said, they are a corset which will tighten until you cannot breathe and even then they do not stop.
I want it.
I've worked myself into mania and neurosis before (and it suits me) so I can do it again. Starting NOW.
Coffee, starving, schedules, websites, work, school, practices, writing, cleaning, organizing, working out.
I can do it all.
I MUST do it all.

I Shouldn't Be Asking Myself Why

So much has changed because, once again, I got too busy to write in this blog. Busy covering up my entire life. My truth has been so lost in lies. I don't care anyway, though. He left me. Well, I left him but emotionally he was gone. So we're over. I can't believe it because this was my nightmare. I never wanted us to be apart and especially not to break up. I see now that it's better this way. However awful it may feel, I'm a little more sane without him around. The love has all gone.
I was doing really well, fasting etc. The past few days have been semi-disastrous though because I felt serious pressure to lose weight before school and cracked under the weight of it all. lol the weight. nice. But now my self loathing is back to an all-time high and I'm really no interested in eating anything. Maybe the occasional rice cake. I feel like I should just stay away from food altogether. My body can't be trusted. Nor can I, until I'm skinny.
The clothes I ordered will come soon, I have to look amazing. My best friend and I are moving up socially this year and I can't go ruining an opportunity like this just because I'm a lazy slob. I need to get my act together. I mean, I haven't gained weight but I can't seem to see the 20lbs I've lost either.
I need to lose more. I need to be less.

Just a Little Bit

Today went well; better than I expected, actually.  My Mom picked me up from our house at around 11pm and until then I managed not to eat.  When we got to my stepdad’s house we only sat for a few minutes before getting to work on the yard.  I ended up climbing trees to prune most of the afternoon.  At one point I had to sit down for minute because I was getting really dizzy.  I can’t believe it, but my Mom actually told me to eat something or I would pass out.  I thought she was on my side!  So we finished up, and went into the kitchen.  Wayne (stepdad) offered me a muffin and so my Mom rooted around to find the package from the mix and it said it was 140 calories so I was like alright I can do that for a bran muffin.  But the he’s like UMM no I made them twice that size.  My Mom shot daggers at him.  She was like, don’t tell her that or she won’t eat it, looks at me, and I had already pushed the thing a good foot away from me.  She sighed and I picked 1/4 of it off and nibbled at it, forcing my Mom to eat the rest of it while Wayne lectured me about eating 2000 calories a day.  When my Mom added anything in or nodded I glared at her and actually got really defensive.  She doesn’t eat, either.  So what the fuck is she piping up about?  Like I’m going to listen anyway.  So I figured it out and the 1/4 that I ate was 50 calories.  That was at 3:30PM.  So then I went on the computer for a while, and read, and then around 6PM the lasagna my Mom stuck in the oven was finished cooking.  I looked it up (it was bought) and it had 310 calories per 1 cup!!! Ewww!!!  My Mom and I argued quietly about it in the kitchen so Wayne couldn’t hear from the living room where he was eating.  I’m not sure why, but she got sort of angry and demanded that I eat the lasagna.  So she dropped some on a plate and I just stood there, staring at it.  Do you think that’s a cup, I asked.  She said she doubted it.  She said it had to be less.  I said that I either had to have 1/2 a cup or a cup but either way I had to know how much it was.  She said it didn’t have that many calories in it.  UMM I just looked it up ACTUALLY.  So what?  So you have 300 calories she says, like she would fucking know how much is enough calories.  That is WAY too much.  So she measured it and it was just half a cup and I spread it around my plate and took my sweet time eating it so I finished at the same time they did.  I also gulped down 3 glasses of diet coke in that time.  So, needless to say, I was VERY full.  So, yeah.  That was my day.  Not bad.

SS♥TT

Mia