Never Is A Promise

I'm seriously hating life right now. My skin is too tight. Of course, it's my own fault for eating. What the hell is wrong with me? I just want things to go back to how they were. Coffee and celery and insomnia. Why did I have to get sick? WELL it doesn't matter now because I'm going back to that starting tomorrow no matter how I feel. Nothing is worse than feeling fat. Not even sleep deprivation and certainly not starvation. Come winter, I better be skinny. I want to be that girl piled in sweatshirts in the theater reading over a monologue, or practicing Beethoven in the concert hall, or conferring with my incredibly gorgeous English teacher. I HAVE to be that girl. I've been writing a few brief disturbing stories about the kind of girl I will be. I have made all the preparations. Now it's time to suck it up and actually follow through.
I think that's my biggest issue. I always expect it to be as easy as when I was modelling. Of COURSE it was easy then. I was tiny. I was beautiful. I was a goddamn model. It was my job to be skinny. But now...
Now I'm just pathetic.
That's about to change.
I'm making a vow. Right now. That I will be at my first goal weight by New Years Eve.
No options. No failure. I swear on my goddamn life.

And it breaks my heart...

I was doing so well!
And then today I fucked up. I ate WAY too much. Probably like 1000 calories for the day. Yesterday I felt fat and I ate around 300. So you can imagine how I feel now. The bloating is the worst. I look at least 5lbs heavier than I actually am (which scares me). I feel so uncomfortable.
Starting another fast tomorrow. My last one went well. I've just not been eating, unless I screw up, which hasn't been much lately.
No food. Work out every day.
The only thing is I'm sick. So I don't know how much working out I'll manage, but I'll survive.

Halloween is coming up! Must be skinny!