I'm finally getting onto the right path. I found all my old ana journals and weight records and goals and have updated all my books and blogs and accounts and I'm ready to take it all the way. I know what to do, and now I just need to develop a strict system that I won't diverge from. The rules are starting to form on their own. Like Marya Hornbacher said, they are a corset which will tighten until you cannot breathe and even then they do not stop.
I want it.
I've worked myself into mania and neurosis before (and it suits me) so I can do it again. Starting NOW.
Coffee, starving, schedules, websites, work, school, practices, writing, cleaning, organizing, working out.
I can do it all.
I MUST do it all.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I Shouldn't Be Asking Myself Why
So much has changed because, once again, I got too busy to write in this blog. Busy covering up my entire life. My truth has been so lost in lies. I don't care anyway, though. He left me. Well, I left him but emotionally he was gone. So we're over. I can't believe it because this was my nightmare. I never wanted us to be apart and especially not to break up. I see now that it's better this way. However awful it may feel, I'm a little more sane without him around. The love has all gone.
I was doing really well, fasting etc. The past few days have been semi-disastrous though because I felt serious pressure to lose weight before school and cracked under the weight of it all. lol the weight. nice. But now my self loathing is back to an all-time high and I'm really no interested in eating anything. Maybe the occasional rice cake. I feel like I should just stay away from food altogether. My body can't be trusted. Nor can I, until I'm skinny.
The clothes I ordered will come soon, I have to look amazing. My best friend and I are moving up socially this year and I can't go ruining an opportunity like this just because I'm a lazy slob. I need to get my act together. I mean, I haven't gained weight but I can't seem to see the 20lbs I've lost either.
I need to lose more. I need to be less.
I was doing really well, fasting etc. The past few days have been semi-disastrous though because I felt serious pressure to lose weight before school and cracked under the weight of it all. lol the weight. nice. But now my self loathing is back to an all-time high and I'm really no interested in eating anything. Maybe the occasional rice cake. I feel like I should just stay away from food altogether. My body can't be trusted. Nor can I, until I'm skinny.
The clothes I ordered will come soon, I have to look amazing. My best friend and I are moving up socially this year and I can't go ruining an opportunity like this just because I'm a lazy slob. I need to get my act together. I mean, I haven't gained weight but I can't seem to see the 20lbs I've lost either.
I need to lose more. I need to be less.
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